Friday, November 4, 2011

A very Nickelback sucks contest

Rant first, contest later.  However, in a show of good faith, your contest prize is this:

One of my Bowman Chrome Bryce Harper RCs.

You may have heard about this story from someone else or the magic of the interwebz, or maybe you didn't.  The fact is, right now, the Detroit Lions have booked the no talent ass-clown band Nickelback to play during the halftime show of their storied traditional Thanksgiving game against the Packers on November 24th.

I don't think I need to rehash just how terrible the Lions have been for decades, so I won't.  I will, however, emphasize that over the course of the second half of last season and the first half of this one, things finally seem to be turning around for the team, rewarding their fiercely loyal (despite years of reasons not to be) fans who can now say that "next year" is this year.  This is a pretty big deal, and the current staff and players deserves a ton of credit for their hard work.

I think it's also important to remind you that the city of Detroit and the state as a whole has an indelible place in music history thanks to the unique sound that came out of the city called Motown.  A veritable who's who of music legends built up their resumes there as the genre became a driving force behind rock music and a veritable factory for Rock and Roll Hall-of-Famers.  It's also worth pointing out some of Michigan's other major contributions to music, for better or for worse, such as Kid Rock, Eminem, and most importantly, Ann Arbor's own Bob Seger.  Truly the city of Detroit possesses a rich history when it comes to music, be it past or present, rock or rap, black or white.

Said team resurgence and musical tradition make the Nickelback choice all the more baffling.  I don't say this lightly, and I promise that I mean every word:  Creed minus Jesus equals Nickelback.  Under normal circumstances, that would be an unforgivable thing to say about anyone--referring to a group as literally the worst non-Jesus pop band ever.  But I mean every single word of that.  It's a fact that Nickelbad produces grating, unoriginal shit that nobody in their right mind likes.  I don't mean that in the sense of "I don't like Nickelback, therefore I'm going to argue that nobody else does to prove my point."  Wrong.  Literally nobody likes Nickelback except Nickelback, who love themselves so much they ripped off their own song.  If I was in an accident that forced me to drive off the bridge and I had the radio on and a Nickelback song came on the radio (in this hypothetical situation it's apparently pre-2006 and I'm still listening to the radio in the car) my first move would be to turn the radio off instantly, and only THEN would I proceed to arrange for my escape.  Nickelback is everything that's wrong with modern music and it's a total slap in the face--no, that's not accurate--it's a total DONG PUNCH that the Lions saw fit to ignore 50-plus years of rich musical history and subject its fans to these Canadian-raised Santorums. (look it up, though I warn you, you won't like what that means, and you DEFINITELY shouldn't look it up at work)

Ok, if you're still with me, we're almost to the contest, but first I have to get to the basis of today's post.  One heroic Michigan grad student with an awesome first name processed this news and said

"A day may come when the reason of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of musicianship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered eardrums, when the age of Motown comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, champions of the West!"
That person created this petition, the first step toward right a horrific and unjust wrong.  My fellow bloggers, I like to think that I haven't solicited your assistance for anything like this in the past, and I'm not asking you to donate money or even get out of your chair.  My goal is not more hits or followers, trades or free cards.

No, I'm asking you for one thing:  for all that is good and holy,
sign that petition and help my state's football team avoid making the biggest mistake in team history.  That's right, this situation is so bad that Matt Millen, Joey Harrington and Mike Williams are basically #s 11-13 on a top 10 list of Lions mistakes, and #s 1-10 are NICKEL-FUCKING-BACK PLAYING DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW OF ONE OF THE NFL'S MOST TRADITIONAL GAMES.  Hasn't this franchise been through enough?  Can't we enjoy the resurgence of this team that hasn't been good since our grandparents were our age?

Now, then:  THE CONTEST:  
  • Go sign the petitionthen leave me a comment saying you did, including your reason if you included one in the form, and make sure I either know which blog you're from or that you include your email address.  Each person who signs gets one entry only. 
  • I will give each person who includes a link to that petition (doesn't have to link to this post, the petition is fine) one free additional entry as long as you give me proof one way or another that you included it on your blog.  
  • The last way to get more entries:  if your blog post results in even more people signing the petition and giving you proof in your comments, you'll get one free entry per person.  Unlimited entries, so bring it.
  • If this contest results in at least 20 total entries of any type above, I will random them off and award the prize to the person who's randomly chosen.
  • I will allow entries until Sunday night at 11:59 pm EST, then if I have enough of them, I'll random the card off on Monday.
  • I'm keeping track of entries as I receive them HERE.
A reminder of what a couple minutes of your time could procure for you:

As you can see, I'm putting my money cards where my mouth is.  I like to think that this is a fairly enticing offer since Bryce is quite the phenom right now.  I don't care if every other copy of this card disintegrates tomorrow and someone offers to trade me the cure for the common cold--this is my part in a heroic and hopefully successful campaign against assclownery.  So please do your part and give yourself an easy shot at a nice card, you won't regret it.  I thank you, and the city of Detroit especially thanks you!


  1. Signed it, let's hope the front office gets the idea.

  2. I signed the petition! Nickelback is the worst band in history. They make nsync and the backstreet boys tolerable.

  3. I'm in, I went with a simple:
    "Detroit can do better, and I'm not even a Lions fan."

    I actually saw this at work on Thursday and thought about signing, so you put me over the top with the contest.

    I'll probably post it on my blog, too. Not just for the extra entries, but because I, too, think that's a silly choice. I actually liked Leader of Men (and almost the whole "The State" album) when it came out, and it's still ok, but has been a bit tainted in my mind by the rest of their discography. I also find "Too Bad" almost comically bad enough that I have to listen to it when it comes on, as opposed to the rest of the songs where I change the station.